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You sit back and try to imagine what life was like before there were smartphones. When people were in line for Chipotle what would they do? Just stand there alone with their thoughts? Horrible. How did people fall asleep at night without aimlessly staring at a screen for hours before ultimately passing out? The pure stream of information flowing directly into your eyeballs from three inches away is necessary to tire you out. When you get bored every thirty seconds how would you fill that time?You shudder at the thought of not having your phone on you at all times.
You find a gray hair. No big deal. It happens to everyone eventually. But y’know, you slept wrong the other night and your back still hurts. Oh, and the other day you couldn’t read a text message without blowing up the letter size. And my God who’s playing the dang music so loud!? Don’t they know it’s 8PM and you’ve got to get to sleep if your ever going to get to work on time. Oh no…
Every year you somehow get roped into a Secret Santa pyramid scheme. Its always impossible to tell if this is more the joke present kind of gift exchange or a serious friend ranking competition. Penis shaped pasta or Fabergé egg. Doesn't really matter though. You're going to bring what you always do. A "#1 Dad" mug. Always a crowd pleaser.
You’re watching The World Cup with your friends. You all laugh and make jokes about when they flop on the ground trying to pull a penalty from the refs. You think, “what a bunch of pansies.” Then for a split second you think that if one of them ever kicked a soccer ball at your head it might go right through your skull. That moment passes and you go back to making fun of the highly paid professional athletes while to slovenly sit on the couch.
You’re all set to host the yearly Friendsgiving with ten of your closest friends. This year you decided to only make the turkey and everyone was assigned a dish to prepare. Dinner is at 7, show up at 5. At 6:30 everyone arrives and surprise! They only brought the ingredients. So now they all need to use your kitchen to make everything. Which is the WRONG THING TO DO!
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